Something Happened On My Way To 43rd

As my 43rd birthday approached, I thought of many ways to celebrate it. 

I imagined a grand party. Why not? I turned 40 during the COVID-19 pandemic, so there was no party. The best time to do that is now. But then, it would be difficult to prepare it in just one week. Plus, I just felt it’s too selfish. 

I also imagine a quiet getaway. I thought of doing jetsetter-ala-Paris Hilton mode, catching the first flight to Hong Kong to be with Mickey Mouse and friends the whole day, then go home as soon as the last fireworks were lit. Even so, the hot temperatures are also high in Hong Kong, plus flight fare is more expensive.

When my birthday week arrived, I found myself feeling strangely uninterested.

The thought that my birthday was just around the corner didn’t excite me. For the first time in my life, it left me feeling indifferent - and puzzled.

I asked myself what was wrong. Why wasn’t I looking forward to my birthday as I usually did? I realized that it wasn’t a lack of gratitude. I had plenty to be thankful for, but something was off. 

Since I have been undergoing psychologist sessions*, I now understand myself much better than before (well, I hope). The learnings during the sessions and the self-awareness prompted me to dig deeper into my feelings.

After giving it some thought, I discovered that several physical factors were affecting me. 

Firstly, the weather was unbearably hot, which drained my energy and enthusiasm. 

Secondly, my monthly period was inconveniently scheduled to start on my birthday, adding to my discomfort. Hormones to the extreme, here we go! (I hear the ladies scream “Preach!”)

Lastly, no thanks to heat, I had an allergic rhinitis attack during my birthday week. The medicine made me feel sleepy, making me feel even more restricted.

After identifying the factors, I asked myself: should I allow these outside details to overshadow my birthday?

I reflected on my past experiences and realized I had overcome much greater challenges.

A significant reminder came to mind: a day before my birthday last year, I discovered that the thyroid cancer had recurred. That news was devastating, and at that moment, I couldn’t envision planning beyond the year.

I never even knew what Christmas would be last year, let alone another birthday.

Yet, here I was, turning another leaf. Despite the physical discomforts and past challenges, I was about to celebrate another year of life. 

This realization brought a shift in my perspective. Instead of focusing on what was wrong, I decided to see what was right.

And so on the day of my birthday, I woke up and hummed the good old “Happy Birthday” song to myself. It was a simple day, but the next few days were packed with meeting friends. So I told myself, “My birthday will be a week-long celebration. Heck, I could even extend it to a month!”

A post-birthday get-together with my circle of friends made me realize it was a good thing I shifted my perspective. 

During the gathering, one of my friends decided that each of them will say their birthday message. You know what I learned?

I learned how much they appreciated me.

They told me that I am generous with my time and talents. That sometimes, they don’t need to say it; I would just help.

They told me that I bring joy to road trips and conversations.

They told me I make them feel valued. 

Hearing these words filled my heart with gratitude and happiness.

Especially about the word “joy”.

Everything that said was all about that 3-letter word.

Because I thought I already lost it.

My friends made me realize that joy never really left.

In spite of everything I had been through, I realized I had become a better person. 

I had just forgotten to look within myself. Facepalm.

It was never easy to not focus on the outside factors affecting how I feel. (Believe me, I know. At one point, I just wanted to cry for feeling “not right.”) 

However, this is my life, and I can always, always decide to take a moment to look from within.

So, here’s a toast to another year on this life road. It’s not always easy, and it’s not always pleasant, but every year brings its own lessons and blessings. 

Something happened on my way to 43rd. Yet as I step into another year, I do so with a heart full of gratitude and a smile ready for whatever comes next.

*According to the psychologist, I have no diagnosable condition. However, I am going through a midlife crisis. Still though, but I am tougher.

If you think you need to seek help from a professional, reach out to mental helplines in Australia and in the Philippines. 

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